If Ever
by Josie Gibbons
Summary: jal sits with chris by his grave for six months, singing and talking to him, and sometimes she gets a reply. oneshot set after season 2


What is it about me and songfics atm... I guess i'm just completely addicted to them, because theres so many plots that can be worked around some simple lyrics

DISCLAIMER: I dont own the characters, or the song. Though I dont know who owns the song, I got it off a cd which came on the front of a book, and have never found it since.

The grave yard is serene, quiet and peaceful as the summer night begins to close in around it. The heat seems almost to press down on the silent stones, as if a great weight is being borne down on them from the skies, forcing the inhabitants of the graves ever deeper into the cold earth. However this heat isn't bad, it feels good, especially for the young girl sitting silently by the side of one of the graves, her arms clutched tightly around her swollen belly. She's sat here now every night for the past six months, sometimes only for an hour, but often for the full night. This is her vigil, a promise she made to herself the day they buried him, and its a promise she intends to keep until her condition stops her. Because for Jal Fraizer there isn't long left of her vigil, and she knows that. The swollen bump on her stomach talks of her future, a future without the man she sits by, but still with him a part of her life. And she is, in a sense, afraid of that future, but also grateful. She has regrets in her life, but she doesn't regret keeping her child, and she most definitely doesn't regret letting him convince her of her decision. She regrets, sometimes, lying to her friends before his funeral, telling them that she'd got rid of the child. But of course she had always intended too, she'd never really wanted to keep him at first, this little bump. And then Chris wasn't there any more, and when it came to the time to actually go through with it, she couldn't. She couldn't give up the last reminder of what he was to her, of everything he was to her. She couldn't give up the one thing which would truly connect her to her lost love forever. Sighing, she looks down at the grave again, and placing one hand on it she begins to sing in a voice trained from years of clarinet playing. And as she sings she thinks of this man who she sits by every night. She thinks back to what he was to her, what he had meant to her in his life, and she lets herself loose.

you would seize the day for me

keep the night away for me

make the darkness light for me

the noble sun ignite for me

if ever you were here

She sings of everything he did for her, of everything he was for her. She sings of how he could light her up when she was down, of how he made every little thing okay. And as she sings, and as her voice falters over the oh so familiar words, her thoughts are filled with him. And in her mind she talks to him like she does every day. She talks about everything that he was to her, and everything that he did for, and how much she wishes he was still there. And sometimes, just sometimes, she gets a reply back.

"You were my everything, you made everything okay. You made things all right, even when I was broken and afraid you made me okay. Every day was a mirical with you by my side, every second was incredible and every little thing was the best thing to ever happen. You could make even the mundane into the magnificent, you were so in awe of the world. I... sometimes I wish I had your strength, your power to see the good in so much. But its so hard for me, when you were the one who kept me going. Everything was amazing with you there, everything. You kept all my fears away, you stopped them being scary any more even when I was freaking out. And I did freak out so much and you knew it but you always knew what to say to stop it too, you knew just the right words to say to force me to calm down. And sometimes it didn't need to be something big, but you'd still do it. And you understood too that sometimes it wasn't a joint I needed, it was just a hand on my shoulder, the knowing that you were there and gave me support and didn't mind if I fucked it up. Because you were there, and you'd love me anyway. You were my sun and my stars, my moon in the dark. The one who was the light in everything. You made me see the light in things, you made me look at the world in a different and completely unusual way for me. Before I was with you life was simple, I was going to do what my father wanted and not much else. And then you were there, and you made me see my potential. You made me see that there was hope in the dark. And then, then you were gone and it all seemed worthless again. I'd lost it all. There was nothing left. And I'm only just finding it again, because I have to. Because there's no other option."

And his voice echoes in her mind, replies to her, talks to her.

"You're so strong babe. I don't care what you say it's you who's doing this. I didn't make you see those things, fuck it babe I couldn't make you do anything you didn't want to. And your still there and I'm sure you'll see those things again. Its just a different way of looking at life babe, that's all. And I'm sure you'll find it."

and if ever you were here, again

i'd never shed a tear again

or make the sunrise mine alone

wont see a new sunshine alone

if ever you were here

she sings of her wishes, her wants and how much she loves him. She sings of the joy they shared, of how much he still is to her. She sings of what she would give to have him in her arms again, of everything that he ever meant to her and everything he still does, and as she sings she believes, and her beliefs echo in her head the same as her voice does, every day. And as always, as always, he replies to her, as she knows he always will.

"I would give anything to have you in my arms one last time, I would do anything, absolutely anything to have that last chance Chris, to have that opportunity to say goodbye to you properly. Because we didn't have it before, it was too fast and too unexpected and then you were gone. And there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't even have that last chance to tell you I love you. And damn I love you Chris, more than anything or anyone. You're my life, still. You're my everything. If only I could just have that one last moment, I'm not asking for forever because forever is a lie, I know that now, but I just want that last chance. To hold you in my arms again, to sit with you, to tell you all those things I've always wanted to tell you. And I told you some of them, but not all. Because I was afraid Chris, I was afraid like you were afraid. I was afraid to tell you, this amazing person who seemed to love me almost as much as I loved him, that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. That he was the only one who I ever loved, the only one I ever would. And its still true, but I just can't tell you now, your not there to listen, because you're gone. And i'll never have that chance to sit with you and tell you all those things, to look into your eyes and tell you what I want to tell you, what I want you to know. I would promise, if only I could have those last few minutes with you, that I wouldn't cry again. I wouldn't mourn your loss or cry for you not being here, because I would have had that chance to say goodbye. And if I only had that chance, then I would be more able to move on, to face a new relationship some time in the future, although anyone else could never take away from you. No-one else could ever be what you are to me, what you are, were and always will be. I want, more than anything else, to be by your side one last time as I watch the sun rise over the bay. I want to have that last chance to see it through your eyes, to see everything as wondrous as it always is to you. Because for you, every little thing was amazing, everything was special. And I want that, just one last time, I want to be able to look at the sunrise and know that you're there, and see it the way you see it. I want you with me just once more, to hold me in your arms and let me know that every thing's okay, to have your presence here with me just once more, just this once. That's all I need, to be okay and to really know what is coming, is just this last thing, this last little thing."

and his voice bounces around the inside of her head as he speaks his reply to her, so only she can hear.

"I'm still here babe. I'm always here. Just because I'm not with you physically doesn't mean that i'm not still there. I'm in your heart, babe, and you know it. As long as you remember me and still think of me from time to time i'm never going to leave you. We can have our sunrise together, every day, because I still live inside you, in your heart. And we'll always be together in that respect, cause I'll never really leave you."

you would seize the day for me

keep fear from nights away from me

make the darkness light for me

the noble sun ignite for me

if ever you were here, with me

She sings of her dreams of forever, and how he will always be her forever no matter what changes or what happens. She sings of never letting go, but one day moving on, and she sings of wanting to be a better person for their son. She sings of her dreams of him and how she can never let him go, and never wants to, and as she sings she pours her wishes into it, and her thoughts of forever. And as always, as he always will and always has, he replies to her.

"Forever is a very long time, but its what I'm willing to give for you. Because you are my forever, my life. You, and that little bump which is growing inside me. Jacob Christopher, that's going to be his name. Because you always wanted a little Chris, and this is the only way I can give that to you. He's going to be my forever Chris, to make up for you not being here. That little bit of us for me to always keep, so you'll never really leave me. Because I can't give you up, babe, not for anything. I can't do it. I can't say that final goodbye and you not be here any more, it would destroy me. It would be the end of my life, and I know that. If I ever had to give you up completely, I would die. Not that I don't feel like I'm dead now, but at least this way I have something to live for. For Jacob Christopher, our little baby. But I miss you so much babe, and I just sit here, just sit here and talk to you and sing to you and wish you were really here. And I'm afraid to leave, because if I leave then I wont be here, then you wont be beside me like this. And while I know you'll never truly leave me, you still wont be by my Chris, you'll be too far away to be my Chris. And I don't think I'll ever have this time in my life to sit with you again, to just be with you, because I won't leave Jacob behind, and I won't make him sit with me either. Because babe, no matter how much I love you, and no matter how much I want our son to know of you, he doesn't need to grow up like you're always missing. I want to give him a full life, a complete life, and he wont get that if we live here, like I've lived here for so long. Six months now, babe, and our child is due any day, I can feel him wanting to come out, wanting to start his life, but I'm not ready yet. And somehow, maybe its just the power of who we are, of what we shared, but I've been managing to hold off the inevitable, hold off him coming because I don't want to leave you behind yet. I don't want to have to say goodbye. And I think, at least a little bit, our little Jacob Christopher already knows that, and he knows that I need this last few days. I'm just afraid, Chris. I'm afraid that I'll push it out indefinitely and then he'll end up hurt. But I'm more afraid to let you go, even though I shouldn't be. I should be ready to move on, by now at least, I should be ready to accept that I don't have you any more and won't have you again. But I'm not and I can't and I can't get over it. I can't get over you because if I do then you're not here, you're just a figment of my imagination. If I let go and move on, move away from this spot, then there's nothing left for me to hold on to, nothing physical at least. It would be easier, I think, if I had something of yours, but I don't, because your father wouldn't give me anything that belonged to you... he wouldn't even give me one little thing to make it easier for me, so its just my memories. My memories, and our flat, which he, your father, stripped of your belongings before he returned to your house. And that, that was what made me really ready to give up, Chris, that's what made me realise that you are my forever, because it killed me when I went home, just once, the day after your funeral, and there was nothing left of you. I haven't been back since, because I can't, because even now I can't bear to be away from you for more than a few minutes.

And as appears to be the pattern nowadays, he replies to her, inside her mind but external at the same time, and his calming voice re-assures her when she feels all is lost, and his words bring calm to her.

"Babe, you've not lost me and you never will. I'm not going anywhere, I'll always be by your side. Yours and Jacobs, I'll always, always be there. And I will be his dad, just like I'll always be your Chris, it just won't be in the way we always thought. But I'm not going to leave you, because fuck it babe, your my world. I don't have a heaven unless its by your side."

and if ever you were here, again

i'd never shed a tear again

or make the sunrise mine alone

wont see a new sunshine alone

if ever you were here

She sings of her friends, of the friends they shared, and how they still remember him. She sings of how strong they have helped her to be and how they still love him, every last one of them. She sings, and she spills her thoughts into her words, letting him hear what she's trying to say, what she wants him to know. And she hopes, as always, for his reply.

"We all miss you so much Chris, every single one of us. Even though the others have gone off to college now, they still come back, they still want to remember you, I dont think they could forget if they tried. They come back, and they visit you, they leave you flowers and thoughts. And they talk about you, I know they do, every single day. Maxie always, always talks of you. He comes back more than anyone else does, because all he's doing is acting. He's not in college or anything, just keeping busy doing that. And I know he misses you more than he even says, and he says it more than anyone else does. Tony has only been back twice in the last six months, but that's because he's so busy, he's working so hard at college to prove that he doesn't only do well because of his parents. And he's doing better with everything, I sometimes think the accident was the best thing that could ever have happened to him. Because it made him see, babe, just how lucky he is. Because it could have been so much worse, he could have lost us all forever, but he didn't, he managed to pull through. And I think, seeing how I am now, he really realises how lucky he is. Michelle is the same, she's been so supportive in her own little way, because she realises that she could have been the one in this position, the one who was lost when the person she loved left her. And she comes home more often than she really should, just so she can be with me, so she can come to the scans with me, and watch our child grow with me. She's good like that, is our 'Chelle, but then you always knew she was. You always said she was better than we gave her credit for. Cassie and Sid are still in New York, babe. Cassie was another one who you said could be really strong, and you were right babe. Dammit you were right, you were always right. Such a strong judge of character, you just knew, instantly, exactly what people were like. And I miss that, I miss having you here to tell me if people are going to be good friends or bad friends, to tell me if I'm making a mistake or doing the right thing. Because you always knew, and you always told me, do what's right for you, do what's right in yourself, because if you don't do that then you'll never be happy. And I spent so long doing what my father would have wanted, that I didn't do what was right for me, and I was never happy. And that, that's why I really chose to keep our child, babe, because I know its what you would have wanted and I know that its what I want and I have to think about me, not about everyone else. And its all thanks to you, really Chris. Its all thanks to you that I've been able to make this decision, because even though you're not here any more, you're still helping me, because of the advice you gave me and the hope you gave me when I was lost. And I still love you and I always will, all thanks to that."

This time, when he replies, she can hear the smile in his voice, the proudness radiating from him.

"Well done babe, your learning. Its all about you now babe, all about you. You don't have to listen to what anyone else thinks or says, because this is for you. Life is for you. And I wish I was there to share it but I'm not. This is for you."

but nothing is forever now i know

was the sun will burn to death one day

to be with you where you have gone

were suns and stars have never shone

She sings, and her voice echos with the sound of release, of acceptance, and of moving on. She sings of her feelings for him, of how they will never end, but of how she has to move on and get further on with her life. She sings of how he cant hold her back any more, and how she wont let her love for him pull her down. She sings, and she speaks to him, and she talks of forever.

"I've realised babe, that its time for me to move on, its time for me to give up on sitting here and just waiting for you to come back. Because you're not going to come back, you're never coming back to me. But I can't let that bring me down, and I cant let it hold me back. Because I've got my life, and you've got yours. I don't believe you're gone or that you'll ever leave me, because I can't believe that. But I know your happy, and maybe its time for me to be happy. I've been wasting away here, and its not good for me, or for Jacob Christopher. He's our future babe, he's going to be the future of both of us. My mini Chris just like you always wanted. And I think, I think six months is long enough to mourn for you, I think I'm finally ready to move on and accept my lot in life, accept that my life is without you, that you wont be here by my side through it all. But I know that I wont loose you, and I know you'll always be a part of me, and that in itself makes it all okay. And I promise I'll always tell our son of you, and I promise he'll always grow up knowing what an amazing person his dad was. How could I not tell him, when you were, are and always will be the first and only man to hold my heart, the first and only person who I loved like this. I will never be able to fall in love again, not ever, because it wont be you, because you're the one for me. But I guess, I guess in a way I'm lucky I met you when I did, I'm lucky I got a chance to meet you, my hearts true love, and to have a child with you. Because I can't imagine what life would be like if I never met you, if I never had you in my arms and never had that chance. And even though it pains me to leave here, I know its my time, I know its time to move on and accept your gone, and have my life. I'll go back to the flat, Chris, and me and Jacob will have our life together. And you'll always be part of it, because your photos will always be there, but I can't let you be the centre of it. Because whatever I might want to think, you're not here any more and you're not with me, you're not here to hold my hand and tell me that its all okay. But its okay, I can deal, I can get on with it. Because I'm ready to now, I'm ready to move on and have a future. Its my time."

she feels a sudden pain in her stomach and reaches down, clutching herself, and barely hearing his reply through the pain which fills her body.

"I'm glad babe, I'm glad you've made that choice, and I'm glad your ready to move on. It's the best thing for you, and I'll always be watching over you, always be holding your hand. Its what I'm here for."

and if ever you were here again

i'd never shed a tear again

or make the sunrise mine alone

wont see a new sunshine alone

if ever you were here

Jacob Christopher Miles is born at 8:30 pm on a Sunday afternoon, six months to the day after his father passed away. He is born at a normal weight, to a loving mother, with his godfather Maxie ready to cut the cord. And as she looks down at the beautiful baby boy nestled in her arms Jal Fraizer speaks in her mind for the last time, speaks to the man she will always love and says her final goodbye.

"Do you see him babe, do you see what we've made? He's amazing, isn't he, and he's all ours. A little piece of us both for me always to keep, so I never forget you, as if I could anyway. I'm so proud of us both Chris, for creating something this wonderful, for creating him. Because he is us, he isn't just me or just you, he's us both. And I already love him so much, babe, more than I thought was possible. The instant I looked down at his face I knew that I'd made the right choice in keeping him, in having our son. Because now I have a reason again, a reason to carry on which I lost when you died. And because I have that, then I know I can get through anything. I might not go to college, I might not get a good career for a long time, but that doesn't matter because I have Jacob, and I have our life. And I have Maxie here to help me too, because I asked him to be Jacobs godfather. And even though its not as good as having you here, its still good babe, because how can it not be. I, we, have a beautiful son, and I have our friends around me to support me, and I know that you're still watching over me, wherever you are, and you always will be. And I know you can see how happy I am, and how comfortable I am. And I know, I know like I know nothing else, that you're proud of us both right now. And I'm actually happy, babe. As happy as I can be without you by my side. It feels weird but its true. I'm happy."

and if ever you were here, with me

once more just one more day to keep

as darkness makes its way to sleep

to know that you've been near to me

i'd never shed a tear

From his place above her, Chris watches as Jal Fraizer, the only woman he will ever love, holds their son in her arms for the first time. He sighs, smiling down on them and watching them for a few brief moments. He's glad she's finally happy, and feels himself release as he sees her settle down, as he sees her finally smile for the first time since he's been gone. And it's as if this is all he's been waiting for, because with a simple breath his spirit begins to drift apart, the atoms which make up his being splitting up and becoming part of everything, moving to be part of the universe. But the small bit of him which is left is happy to find that instead of going off in random directions as he suspected he might, a large portion of him finds its way into the young boy nestled in his mothers arms. And with a sigh, Christopher Miles is gone, but not gone really, because he will always be there in the memories of his love, and the smile of the beautiful son that shares his name.


End file.
